Words don't seem to come easily to me lately, but everyone seems to wonder how I'm doing. Thank you... we appreciate it... we have been spoiled... you rock!
Does that get me off the hook when it comes to thank you notes? Just kidding.
Good. I'm doing good.
Not "well" because that would make sense
Not fantastic because that would put back the piece of me that seems to be missing
At times okay or hanging in there - that is typically Tuesdays because that was the day my Mom watched my kids so I could go to the temple with Mike, the day we usually hung out, walked/talked, and the day she died.
So better than yesterday and hopefully not as well as tomorrow.
Most of the time I am excited for her, that she had a great end to a great life. I know she is excited about all the new experiences, responsibilities, possibilities, freedoms - that is just her. However sometimes I forget that it is the world that makes death seem like an end, like a tragedy, hopeless and alone. It seems poetic that the person most responsible for teaching me that the truth is that it is none of those things is the one I would need it most for.
I believe this change has enabled my mother to multitask, boss me around (I mean encourage :) ), and be there for even more that she was in life (if at all possible). That she now has the time she has always wanted to further the Lord's work while still supporting her family. I have felt her influence, her words, her strength when I need it. Even more lasting I have felt the comfort from a loving God that I know greatly because of her.
Exactly what she is up to is of great interest to me and has sparked a desire to learn even more which is always good. It is interesting that death is so common, but it impacts you so completely. I walk alone now and there is no one to save me from the dogs that will surely eat me. I cry every time I go to call her and tell her about something exciting, frustrating, or funny. I am heartbroken for my Dad - although he is so tough; and makes me a lot of cookies.
Basically it is like this post, or life... a roller coaster with more ups than downs.
9 comments:
Claar, I love you! I think of you every day. I'm glad you posted how you're doing. You are amazing. Keep going. Let me know if you ever want someone to walk/run with and I'll come down. Although, I may not be the best to save you from dogs. Once while running with your mom a dog started charging us. Well, I did what you should never do and ran as fast as I could. I then witnessed your mom kick the snot out the dog when it ran up to her as if to attack. The dog got scared and ran off :) Then I came back to your mom and pretended that I didn't run because I got scared :)I would love to exercise with you anytime, or chat, or provide babysitting so you and Mike can have a nice time out together. That way we can get Catherine acquainted with your boys at a young age ;)
Love you, Claar!
Love, Kell
I am so glad you wrote something down! Sorry I couldnt run over today, been busy with the whole wanting to redo the whole house! But soon! Hang in there! I love you!!
Get off your butt and finish unloading the dishwasher.
Claar, thank you for sharing your feelings. Being so far away and out of the loop I wanted to write, but not having a clue what you must be going through... I'm just clumsy with words and never knew what to say other than that we care. I wished I could have at least given you a big hug at the funeral. But I couldn't go. If I were in your shoes I imagine there just wouldn't be words for it. But you write so well and your heart shines through the words. I so admire the relationship you have with each member of your family. And what a beautiful relationship with your mom. I believe as well that your mom is with you and watching over your family as she does her work. What a blessing it must be to actually feel and witness that. I love you all so much.
Love,
Sarah
Thanks for letting us in on your roller coaster days. I'm glad your dad knows that cookies make life taste a little bit better. Tuesdays are definitely different than they used to be. Just thinking about you all....sending lots of love!!!
Jolie
Beautiful... just beautiful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts Claar.
Claar, you guys continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, especially this weekend with Mother's Day.
Claar, We love you! Your family is still in our thoughts and prayers. Like I tell Emily all the time if there is anything you need at all, at any time just call me.You are an extraordinary and strong woman, just like your mother.
-Love Matt and Katie Finlinson
Claar,
I was jumping around on blogs and ran into yours. When Maggie told me about the loss of your Mother my heart went out to you and your family. I thought about how lucky we are to have such great mother's and also how much harder it is to loose them when they were so great. I hope and pray that things are going well for both you and your famly.
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