Easter

I have wondered for a while what it would be that would make me feel like posting again. I have a great life, but you know at some point it is just rubbing it in. :) I am always involved in decisions and things for our family, but have realized that life is so individualized that I hate to put ideas out there that may make someone feel that the way they know best to do things for their family is threatened by my passion for how I feel about ours.  Maybe in time I will find the right words that I can be confident it would only push others up.  Today I finally felt like typing.

I am often asked why I love living in Lake Point. There are many reasons, but in short it makes me the best version of myself. I love the space to hear myself think, but still be able to travel in to see family, and friends, and Costco. :) I love that we can have ambitious business goals balanced by gardening and quiet, and yes, even Llamas. The list is long. Tonight I was reminded of one, the sunset on the lake. It can be seen from my windows or my back yard, it is Lake Powell to me, a place that represents fun, but mostly family and friends.

Easter this year falls on the anniversary of my mother’s death. While the events of that day will never leave my mind, the hardest memory is knowing how devastated so many were to lose her. I live a charmed life in that I don’t feel like I have. She is in my head so often each day from the raising of my kids to figuring out how to improve my life or handle a situation. Yes, sometimes I still don’t listen and regret it every time. :) That’s just kids. I realized today as I saw that scene I love out of my window that it is not missing someone who hasn’t left to me that gets me; I miss my family, the Jackman 5. It seems the best times become perfect in retrospect and while life is great now, it is easy to long for them again. As I thought it through I decided I need to continue living now in such a way that I can miss this time in the future as well.

Overall the message that I knew could apply to all is that of sorrow and hope. I don’t really do kind sentiments and fluffy bunnies very well, but I do so heavily rely upon truth. The things in our life less tangible, but the most real. I asked my six year old today what we celebrate at Easter, he told me Easter eggs. I smiled at the time and assured myself I’m not a failure and he will get it, but later I grew excited for my kids to learn that there are things that bring joy so much better than anything the world can offer (and we all know candy-filled eggs are pretty exciting).

Every mistake I’ve made or sorrow I’ve felt, every cousin who has lost a baby.  Every person hurt by careless words, the pain of withheld blessings, everyone who thinks they are beyond help, or unloved, or useless. Every fear-filled diagnosis, every death, accident, close call, failure, regret. Any pain from poor choices or great times now longed for, all the could-have-beens… all our losses will be made up.

This Sunday when I wake up early to wrestle 3 boys into church clothes just to wrestle them through 3 hours of church, as I eat the ham cooked by the woman I’m grateful is so good to my dad and all of us, as I steal the candy my kids find in the eggs, and see some of the family I am glad I can still see and hopefully feel the rest. I am thankful that instead of a reminder of one of the hardest days of my life, it can be the celebration of the greatest day we all once shouted for joy over. Death is conquered, man is free, Christ has won the victory.